That Sinking Feeling

April 30, 2013

A baby shower invitation showed up in the mail yesterday and I got the sinking feeling in my stomach. That feeling of how could I even go to a baby shower right now? How will I handle being surrounded by baby items, pregnant women (because you know there will be more than one there) and all those cute pink or blue things. The answer is I can’t handle it right now. Thankfully I don’t have to attend because it is the same day as another event that has been on the calendar for months; but I know that I will eventually have to attend a baby shower again.

 

Maybe with more time it will be easier? Can I talk myself up enough that going to a shower wouldn’t break my heart and cause me to break down and cry. Probably. But that day isn’t here yet. So I am going to be selfish for a bit and avoid all things baby. I’ve hidden some feeds on Facebook, tried to avoid other blogs with pregnant women or babies and have just taken a step back from things. That may not be the best way to deal with it but most days I feel on the verge of tears.

 

So I will focus on staying strong and learning to live with this and attempt to get to a point where I can go to a baby shower and survive. That day is not today or next month but I am sure I will get their eventually.

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Being Part of a Movement

April 25, 2013

I joined a movement I never thought I would be a part of. For most of my adult life I was not interested in having kids, I focused on education and career. Then I turned 30, met someone and decided it was something that I wanted. We dated, got engaged, got married and decided on a date we would start trying. Months ticked by and I knew something was wrong. I just knew. It hadn’t been a full year but when my husband went for a checkup I asked him to talk to his doctor. December 2012 started this whole roller coaster. For the past 5 months we have gone through so many ups and downs that I am surprised that I have stayed sane. And we are just getting started.

 

Our Diagnosis:  My husband has Azoospermia and a chromosomal deficiency

What That Means: There are 0 sperm. And there will never be.

Now What: Our options are to use Donor Sperm for IUI or IVF or adoption.

Our Plan: A round of IUI in July and we go from there. We aren’t really on board with IVF.

 

 

 

When you are in your lower 30′s you just kind of assume you can get pregnant. You both seem healthy and I had cycles that could have been in a textbook (seriously that is what the RE said to us). But then life is unfair. And something you want is quickly taken away. You spend a few days crying/being angry and you attempt to move on.  With attempt being the key word. It is not easy. Some days I do ok and don’t think about it and others I have to close my office door at work because I am crying at my desk.

 

I am not an expert by any means but I have learned more in the past 5 months than I ever thought I would. Here a few things:

 

I will NEVER ask a couple about their plans for kids

I was not  a religious person before and I am even closer to an atheist now (this is my personal experience and not a reflection on anyone else)

I have had to work very hard at putting on a fake happy face

Looking for a sperm donor is like online dating, you put in your criteria and there are your matches.

For the first time I don’t know if I will be ok and as a Type A person that sucks. I am slowly learning to deal with this. I won’t wake up tomorrow and feel ok about all this. That will never happen but I have had to re-frame my mind about this.

 

So if you know someone going through this just ask them how they are doing and what they need. It may be a hug, a good cry, someone to listen and NOT offer their opinion or they may just want to have a glass of wine and not talk about it.

 

To everyone else out there dealing with this I am sorry and I understand.

 

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At 46?

April 9, 2013

I listen to a pop culture radio station, it’s just kind of background noise at work but the last few days a lot of the talk has been about Halle Barry. At 46 she is pregnant and claims it was a surprise. Ugh. Wonderful for her but does anyone believe that at 46 she got [...]

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I’m Still Here

April 5, 2013

I just really haven’t had much to say. Sorry! But I am here and we working through each day the best that we can. Some are good and some downright suck. But that’s life. So here is what we have decided to do:   Head to an info session on waiting child adoption, basically kids [...]

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Patience is Not My Virtue

February 5, 2013

I wanted to say patiently but I am anything but patient. We feel like we are waiting for a lot. For March and most likely doing a round of IUI, for the right house to come on the market and not sell in 1 day so we can at least take a look at it, [...]

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Ripped Off

January 24, 2013

Mr. Wine and I went to a mandatory appointment yesterday to a psychologist about the IUI process. Here we thought we would get some warm, heartfelt advice. Not really. A few standard questions, a piece of paper with some books on it and when we talked about waiting child adoption she 100% dismissed that. And [...]

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An Airplane Bathroom

January 21, 2013

Its reached a new low. An airplane bathroom. Yesterday on a flight home I had to use an OPK kit and I just happened to be flying during that 2-4 window. So I grabbed my purse and headed in there. With no space to move, no cup to use and having to wrap it up [...]

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The Good, The Bad and The Funny

January 11, 2013

We ended up getting a last minute doctor’s appointment yesterday for our initial consultation with the fertility clinic. It was mostly good, a few negative things and a few really funny situations. The Good: As far as we can tell I am healthy fertility wise, the ultrasounds looked good but we are still waiting for [...]

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Avoiding Everything Baby

January 9, 2013

Let me just say how hard it is to avoid everything baby related. Blogs, posts, pictures, tweets, Facebook, stores… the list goes on and on. I find if I stay busy and not think about things I feel a little better.   So I avoid the baby section at Target, skip over all those Facebook [...]

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Hiding Tears

January 7, 2013

It was a rough weekend. I knew it was going to be and I tried my hardest to suck it up and be positive but I failed. We spent Saturday at a belated holiday celebration. With a newly pregnant relative, whom got pregnant within a few months of trying and is now being celebrated and [...]

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