On Mourning

November 1, 2013

Since I am in that dreaded two week wait things have just been harder. I am over analyzing every thing, worrying way too much and just plain nervous. Typically during this time I avoid certain forms of social media, I just can’t handle seeing all the happy news and baby pictures. I had been doing alright until I read a new to me beauty blog.

 

Someone writing about makeup. Yes! I am a makeup hoarder and love reading what others like to use. I get a few posts in and realize she is pregnant. There are quite a few baby related posts and that just set something off in me. Thankfully it was over the lunch hour and not many people were around.

 

I closed my office door and the tears started flowing. And not just a few tears, the big ugly cry tears. It was probably needed but I really try to not bring this to work (easier said than done). What really gets me is the face that I will never have a great we’re pregnant story. There is no element of surprise, there is no lackadaisical attitude about trying. What we are experiencing is clinical. Everything happens at the doctors office and there is no fun in this. In fact it just plain sucks. Our relationship is strained to the max right now, we will be fine but this process is not for the faint of heart.

 

After reading this oh so cute story about how she told her husband I was so jealous. And it sucked. So I am trying my hardest to stay positive and be hopeful. And I have this on repeat to myself:

 

Both times I became pregnant on my own, even though I miscarried, I'd quit trying and thinking about it. There's so much truth to this! JT

 

 

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One Year for the Blog

October 30, 2013

It’s been a year since I started this blog and if you would have asked me where we would be when I started this I would have said with a baby. But here we are. December will be a year from the Azoo diagnosis and I probably had more hope back then. Now? I don’t know.

 

I have had so many people on Facebook, taken bloggers out of my reader, un-followed people on Instagram and Twitter because I just don’t want to see their positive news over and over. I am happy for them but that doesn’t make it easier. In fact it makes me mad that so many have it so easy and we have to struggle for everything. That sounds so down and depressing but it’s true. Just this year alone we have dealt with skin cancer, infertility, identity theft, major stress of closing/not closing on a house multiple times, our dog almost dying after being attacked by the neighbors dog and that’s just to name a few. Ugh. The universe keeps piling it on. Sometimes I wonder why us? People around us have it so easy. Oh, we want a baby, let’s just try for 1 month and boom we are pregnant. So now we have to start thinking about what living childless looks like. Not something I think I can handle.

 

So what does that mean? Do I just pick up and move to start over? Search for a new job somewhere far far away? Or do I  just live an unhappy life? Those are the things on my mind lately and it has me very very down. I keep trying to cheer myself up and say we will be ok, but in all likelihood, we won’t. And that makes me even more sad.

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3rd times the charm?

October 29, 2013

I haven’t written in forever. I apologize. It’s been a rough few months. But writing is cathartic and I know it will help me through this crappy process.   So where are we? In the two week wait after our 3rd IUI. 2 haven’t worked and we did tweak it slightly for this one. The […]

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Another Round

September 3, 2013

I’ve been here, but didn’t have a whole lot to say. There were so many times that I opened up to post and just had nothing. It’s been a rough few months, more appointments and a new “strategy”. We ended up having an appointment with the RE (instead of the nurse practitioner) and it felt […]

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In A Funk

July 29, 2013

I am guessing you could tell from my lack of posting that IUI didn’t work. It’s been a rough week and I am trying my hardest to move forward and stay positive. Trying is the key word. It has been a struggle and I don’t want to whine so I am keeping this short.   We […]

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Dark Place

July 12, 2013

I have about 8 million things on my mind and I don’t even know how to get capture them all. It has been a rough week. Stressed, tired, headache, nervous, depressed, sad and those are just a few of the emotions I felt. I am trying so hard to be positive and just let things […]

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Now We Wait

July 8, 2013

We went in for IUI #1 yesterday. I am over analyzing/worrying that the timing was off, even though I took tests, temps etc. but I am still going to worry. That is my nature! The procedure was less than 5 minutes and it felt fine, a tiny bit of cramping and that’s it.   I […]

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Tomorrow is CD1

June 24, 2013

Tomorrow is CD1. Of the cycle where we will do our first IUI. And I am not going to tell anyone. A few friends know that July time frame but I don’t want the extra pressure of people asking. So I sit today starting to freak out. I would not call myself the most optimistic […]

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That Sinking Feeling

April 30, 2013

A baby shower invitation showed up in the mail yesterday and I got the sinking feeling in my stomach. That feeling of how could I even go to a baby shower right now? How will I handle being surrounded by baby items, pregnant women (because you know there will be more than one there) and […]

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Being Part of a Movement

April 25, 2013

I joined a movement I never thought I would be a part of. For most of my adult life I was not interested in having kids, I focused on education and career. Then I turned 30, met someone and decided it was something that I wanted. We dated, got engaged, got married and decided on a […]

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